Nash Family Blog

Plagued

My mind is my own worst enemy.

My Piano

Despite being this big heavy piece of furniture that keeps getting moved from house to house with us I really do love my piano.  I am not a very good player but know enough about music to play the melody and find most of the chords to accompany it.  I have to admit that sometimes weeks, even months, go by without me so much as touching it except to dust. 

Then there are days like today.  Days where, for unknown reasons, I suddenly feel heartbroken and saddened over so many things.  Things like Leah's Leukemia, my mom's failing health, the Anderson family who just lost their 3 year old boy unexpectedly, and on the list goes.  When these times hit I usually hit the piano bench.  I dust off the keys and I play.  And I find, as I play and sing, that I find comfort and healing.  My faith is strengthened and I am reminded that all things lie in God's care.  

In the chaos of everyday life with 4 kids at home it is good sometimes to remind myself of God's mercy and faithfulness to me, to Leah, and to our family.  

And They're Off!

Yesterday we hired a babysitter and then Adam and I headed out to Keeneland to watch the horse races!  It's embarrassing to say, but having been born and raised right here in KY, in the heart of horse country, I have never been to a race track.  Well man was it an experience!  

We hollered, we cheered, we carefully studied the horses to choose our bets (I mostly chose by who had the coolest name), we won and lost and ultimately walked away with a few extra dollars in our pockets.  

On the last race we chose 2 horses and split our last dollars to bet between them.  As they raced down the final stretch I was screaming like a mad woman (the man behind us looked at me like I was nuts) and they both placed in the top 3!  So we cashed in and left but not before he bought me a really pretty fleece coat.  A great way to finish the day!

I was surprised at how much I really loved the races.  Studying the horses and the programs and making the bets was all fun but the rush of watching them run and seeing them blast past you - right there where you can almost touch them - was amazing.  It was a great day!

AAAAAHHHH!

My mind is freaking out!  Adam is picking me up in 1.5 hours, the house is a wreck, the laundry needs to be switched, school needs to be prepped, I need to lay out lunch and figure out dinner before the babysitter gets here and line out instructions for her for ALL 4 KIDS......AAAAAHHHH!  

Why am I on here you ask?  Good question.

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Blessed art thou O Lord.  

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.

Who forgiveth all thy iniquities, who healeth all thy diseases....

A blessed day indeed as I was given the opportunity to attend our Divine Liturgy.  Our attendance at church has been extremely limited due to Leah's illness.  The risk is not just in exposing her, but in any of us picking up an illness and bringing it home.  Today however, I got a quick shower and shot out the door, Aaron in my arms and headed off for my first Divinie Liturgy (or any liturgy) in at least 6 weeks.  

As I chanted with the choir Bless the Lord, O my soul I began to cry.  There was a gaping hole in me being filled and I found strength.  I left blessed and refreshed and praying to be back again very soon.

The Days of Our Lives

While running errands today Isaac asked if we were going to the 'piggy bank'.  Yes son, we are going to the bank :-)

I caught Aaron with the toilet bowl brush which he proudly held up in the air while cheesing at me.

Storms bring Laughter

It's amazing how morning can bring renewed energy.  I am feeling much better this morning and trying to enjoy the laughter that is going on behind me right now.  Leah is off to clinic with daddy and the other three are on the floor belly laughing.  It's so cute.  

We are having a stormy rainy day so the kids are having to entertain themselves inside.  So far we've had a pillow fight, a sack race (no our house is not big enough to support having one but they found a way to do it) and have played librarian at the bookshelf.  Now they have made a family bed in the middle of the floor and Isaac is 'making pancakes' for Mae.  

Since I am still in my pj's I should probably go get a shower, dress the baby who is still in his pj's, and make some beds.  Oh, and the dishes still aren't done either.  :-)  I'll post with Leah's labs and important info as soon as I have it.  Later.

Changes

I often end up posting on here without thinking about the fact that a large amount of people are reading what I write.  Many times, especially since Leah's diagnosis, it is a time of theraputic journaling, baring my most hidden feelings and thoughts.  It is a source of healing for me though.  A place where I can say what is on my heart, even cry as I write it, and walk away feeling as though a little of the load has been lifted.

Since I turned 35 last month I've been looking closely at myself.  My skin isn't as youthful as it was.  My belly does't look like a 21 year old's (face it, I've had 4 babies).  My knees aren't holding up like they used to.  It's all normal aging stuff and no big deal I suppose.  Ok, maybe a little deal.  After all, I am working on my skin and exercising to help out the post baby(s) flab.  

But there are bigger changes.  Since Leah got sick last fall (nearly a year ago - I can't believe it) I seem to have aged so much in some ways.  My hair has definitely picked up more grey's (thank you Brian for the highlights) and I just feel....I don't know....older.  

None of the changes are ones that I want, or want to accept, but the one that bothers me the most is my overall demeanor.  I have always been quiet, almost shy, reserved, not outspoken, and - at least I thought - pleasant.  Something has changed in me and I don't like it.  What's more I don't know how to change it.  

It's true when they say that when a loved one gets cancer the whole family gets it.  The Leukemia might have attacked Leah's body but it has eaten away at my being.  I'm angry.  I'm short tempered.  I'm ugly to my family.  And I don't like me.  I can't look back at pictures of Leah or our family before she got sick.  I can't think back on those times because it hurts so much and then it just makes me even more angry.  And then I wonder if I will ever be able to look back on all these years without the pain.  And I wonder why God thought I could handle this because clearly I am not handling it.  It is eating me.  I want to quit.  I want the alternate ending.  The one without cancer.  I want to just be me again but I don't know how.  I don't know if I ever can be that person again.  I don't know how to get past the anger.  I don't know how to get out of bed and have a day where I don't feel like beating something into a pulp.  

But I put them in bed and I say a prayer of repentenance because today, again, I have been an ugly person.  Tomorrow I get up and light the vigil lamp and ask for the grace to get through the day.  And I pray that it will be better than the day before.  That I'll be able to enjoy my kids, get lost in their smiles and laughter and find a little piece of myself that is buried in there somewhere.

I'm Frustrated This Morning

Aaron has developed a rash to go with his strep throat.  Now we don't know if it is a strep rash or a reaction to the Amoxicillin which he has never had before.  So this afternoon I get to make trip #3 to the doctor with him.  

I'm still waiting on the home health nurse to call and schedule Leah's lab draw for today.  I just pray her counts have rebounded.  

With Aaron being sick school has - AGAIN - fallen behind.  At this rate Leah will be 10 before she finishes kindergarten.  

The house is a complete disaster, there is too much to be done as usual and I'm beating myself up because I feel like a failure at my 'stay at home mom' job.  

Yet somehow I have time to post....

The Weekend is Finally Over

What a weekend and by God's grace we have survived it.  Aaron was sick starting literally about 3 hours after daddy left town and after a second trip to the doctor we have discovered that he has a bad case of strep throat.  Being highly contagious is a huge factor in our house with Leah's counts being low.  So after calls to the oncall Pediatric Oncologist, numerous family and friends, and my husband we have managed to orchestrate a complete disinfecting of our house and all toys while keeping Leah and Aaron separate from each other.  Not to mention hand sanitizing, hand sanitizing, hand washing and more hand sanitizing.  Whew.  

Many thanks to both Kathryn and Shannon who stepped in and got it done and to Peggy, Alison and Jody who were willing to come later should I need them.  You guys are a blessing to our family.  

Once again I have seen God's hand on our family and His protection over Leah.  

Ok, I am absolutely exhausted and my husband should be home in the next 30 minutes so I am going to go crash.  Hopefully my night owl Isaac will pass out soon.  God's grace to all.